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metanymous в посте Metapractice (оригинал в ЖЖ)
Authentic and Respectful Straight-Talking
by Dee Berridge
email: dee@ecstatic.demon.co.uk
The Ability
This kind of straight talking refers to speaking openly and directly to another person with the intention of being true to yourselfandrelating in a way that honours and ultimately benefits all concerned. It involves taking the risk of communicating potentially difficult, upsetting or unconventional thoughts, ideas, feelings or opinions (rather than witholding or evading). For exemplars of this Ability, the priority in such conversations is the relationship and/or well-being of the people involved.
Such conversations are usually highly personal and private, and are triggered by sensing something in the air that needs to be said. It is this that lets exemplars know its time to stop having the conversation internally and start saying it externally. It can be done very simply, or very eloquently and sometimes with great humour.
The following structure honours and respects the speaker, the listener and the relationship between them. It allows a person to speak from the heart and express what they have to say in their own unique way whilst encouraging others to do the same. A dialogue is created with speaking and listening on both sides and the conversation usually makes a positive difference. It can be very inspiring to hear someone speak their truth.
Exemplars
Exemplar 1:
Musician and Management Trainer: displays the ability in the course of running trainings and in collaborating with other musicians as well as in personal relationships. His style is creative with evocative descriptions and is often very humourous, his intention is to inspire others to participate.
Exemplar 2:
Human Resources Manager in a PR company: uses this ability socially and in dealing with employees at work. Her main concern when delivering this kind of communication is that the person she’s speaking to benefits from it. She describes it as “shooting from the hip” and going for “a quick and painless death!”
Exemplar 3:
Musician and Writer: manifests this ability in social, family and work relationships. He believes that for any relationship to be successful it is important to share who we really are even if it may be very uncomfortable, and that witholding and having things that can’t be said for fear of the consequences is what ultimately kills relationships. He can also be very witty and creative in his delivery.
Exemplar 4:
Management Consultant, Trainer and Mother: is highly adept at this ability and demonstrates it in all areas of her life, especially in training others in effective communicating and relating. She describes herself as "a self-appointed sayer of those unsaid things that need to be said because that's what I have to contribute" and with regard to using this ability in her role as consultant she says: "If they can't handle it they shouldn't be hiring me!"
Beliefs
Criterial Equivalence
The Criterion is‘Mutual Honesty’and is defined as ‘Being genuine and truthful; not hiding anything; being clear and accurate’ and 'Telling the truthas I see it’. The mutuality is highly significant. Exemplars are absolutely clear that they intend for there to be full opennesson both sides.
Enabling Cause-Effects
The Enabling Cause-Effect is‘Trust we’re on the same side and be willing to risk, and be responsible for, communicating’.Exemplars say it is important to be able to let go of their concerns about others’ judgments and opinions in order to fully manifest the ability. They need to be confident that the benefits of communicating are likely to be worth the risk of appearing foolish, unkind or in some way lacking.
This Ability relies on and generates trust in the sense of trust in a shared humanity as well as trust in communication itself as a generative medium.
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Motivating Cause-Effects
The Motivating Cause-Effect is‘Integrity in Relationshipsor 'Being true to myself', 'Being who I really am'. It can be more uncomfortable to be silent than to say whatever needs to be said, and as Exemplar 4 says,"If I can't be myself with you and reveal to you who I really am then ourrelationshiphas little value."
Surrounding Beliefs
Some of the Beliefs surrounding this ability:
‘Conversation is catalytic in nature’which assists in trusting that, even if it isn’t clear at the outset how a conversation will turn out, it is intrinsic in the process that something can be created together in a dialogue.
‘Honesty has more value than comfort’allows for the fact that straight communication can involve uncomfortable feelings and by placing a higher value on truth and self-expression than on personal comfort exemplars are willing to initiate potentially difficult conversations.
‘We are all human and are all doing our best’acknowledges our shared humanity and presupposes that we are each doing the best we can with what we have available to us. So there is no blame and the person can be honoured and a distinction made between them and their behaviour. This allows exemplars to discuss their own and others’ behaviours and responses objectively without criticising the person.
'I love people - theydeserveto be able to talk about things - its agiftto them'.Coming from a place of loving people permits exemplars to mention and discuss things that might otherwise be disallowed.
Strategies
Test
There's an initial increase in tension as exemplars stop having the conversation internally and start saying it externally, followed by a diffusion of anxiety as the words come out. The other person may appear shocked or nervous - a 'rabbit in the headlights' moment - with possible defensiveness, then a sense of relief and an ‘increase in energy’ on both sides as the conversation progresses. There's lots of eye contact and signals of connection as both people start talking about the same thing.
The test also involves shifting between internal and external focus of attention. For instance matching an internal representation of a desired response with the other person’s external behaviour. There’s a positive ‘shift’ in mood, physiology, understanding, direction of conversation or a declaration that its complete. Exemplar 2 said “...they say things that contribute to themselves or they say I’ve made a difference to them".
The Motivating Cause-Effect is‘Integrity in Relationshipsor 'Being true to myself', 'Being who I really am'. It can be more uncomfortable to be silent than to say whatever needs to be said, and as Exemplar 4 says,"If I can't be myself with you and reveal to you who I really am then ourrelationshiphas little value."
Surrounding Beliefs
Some of the Beliefs surrounding this ability:
‘Conversation is catalytic in nature’which assists in trusting that, even if it isn’t clear at the outset how a conversation will turn out, it is intrinsic in the process that something can be created together in a dialogue.
‘Honesty has more value than comfort’allows for the fact that straight communication can involve uncomfortable feelings and by placing a higher value on truth and self-expression than on personal comfort exemplars are willing to initiate potentially difficult conversations.
‘We are all human and are all doing our best’acknowledges our shared humanity and presupposes that we are each doing the best we can with what we have available to us. So there is no blame and the person can be honoured and a distinction made between them and their behaviour. This allows exemplars to discuss their own and others’ behaviours and responses objectively without criticising the person.
'I love people - theydeserveto be able to talk about things - its agiftto them'.Coming from a place of loving people permits exemplars to mention and discuss things that might otherwise be disallowed.
Strategies
Test
There's an initial increase in tension as exemplars stop having the conversation internally and start saying it externally, followed by a diffusion of anxiety as the words come out. The other person may appear shocked or nervous - a 'rabbit in the headlights' moment - with possible defensiveness, then a sense of relief and an ‘increase in energy’ on both sides as the conversation progresses. There's lots of eye contact and signals of connection as both people start talking about the same thing.
The test also involves shifting between internal and external focus of attention. For instance matching an internal representation of a desired response with the other person’s external behaviour. There’s a positive ‘shift’ in mood, physiology, understanding, direction of conversation or a declaration that its complete. Exemplar 2 said “...they say things that contribute to themselves or they say I’ve made a difference to them".
Primary Operation
* Check own willingness to be responsible for the consequences and that the 'can of worms' about to be opened is of a manageable size, depending on the significance of the relationship and the context
* Check that the timing is appropriate to have the conversation and that the other person is ready to listen
* State own intention in delivering the communication, and if the content is of a delicate nature, disclose own concerns and feelings about communicating it. For example “I need to say something......I feel embarrassed saying this.....” Exemplar 2 said “Often by the time I’ve set them up for what I’m going to say they’re just begging for me to say it.”
*Say what there is to say and say it exactly andsay it all
* Listen to the response to gain an understanding of how it is for them
* Ask questions and invite them to say everything and self-disclose so they can experience being heard
* Encourage them to say everything
* Continue generating this dialogue until its all said on both sides and there’s a positive ‘shift’ in mood, physiology, understanding, direction of conversation or a declaration that its complete.
Secondary Operations
When the criterion'Mutual Honesty'is not being sufficiently satisfied:
* Keep going!
* Find other ways to say what needs saying
* Repeat intention or point out that what was intended to happen isn't happening to help “smooth things over”
* Check for things that haven’t been said (on both sides) that might make a difference, or invite the other person to share their thoughts
When the criterion is not being satisfied at all either:
* generate even more self-disclosure and honesty and continue
* or else ‘retreat’, ‘back off’, ‘bring it to a close’
The more important therelationship, the more inclination to keep going until some resolution is found.
If a decision is made to continue:
* Acknowledge that it hasn't been working
* Repeat intention
* Explore with the other person whether something else needs to happen to allow both to complete it and move on
When it doesn’t seem possible to meet the criterion:
* Look for alternative ways of handling the situation or other things that could be said
* If its really not possible, accept the differences between self and other and move on
All exemplars say such cases are extremely rare. Exemplar 4 identifies a difference between 'wanting to speak but holding back', and'choosingnot to speak', the latter being, for her, equally as responsible as speaking. If it seems impossible she may choose not to speak for now and stay open to a future opportunity. She rarely thinks its going to go away. If she doesn't have the person's spoken or implicit permission to speak, or if it isn't her 'place' to say it she will either let it go or discover who would be more appropriate to say it and support them in doing so.
* Check own willingness to be responsible for the consequences and that the 'can of worms' about to be opened is of a manageable size, depending on the significance of the relationship and the context
* Check that the timing is appropriate to have the conversation and that the other person is ready to listen
* State own intention in delivering the communication, and if the content is of a delicate nature, disclose own concerns and feelings about communicating it. For example “I need to say something......I feel embarrassed saying this.....” Exemplar 2 said “Often by the time I’ve set them up for what I’m going to say they’re just begging for me to say it.”
*Say what there is to say and say it exactly andsay it all
* Listen to the response to gain an understanding of how it is for them
* Ask questions and invite them to say everything and self-disclose so they can experience being heard
* Encourage them to say everything
* Continue generating this dialogue until its all said on both sides and there’s a positive ‘shift’ in mood, physiology, understanding, direction of conversation or a declaration that its complete.
Secondary Operations
When the criterion'Mutual Honesty'is not being sufficiently satisfied:
* Keep going!
* Find other ways to say what needs saying
* Repeat intention or point out that what was intended to happen isn't happening to help “smooth things over”
* Check for things that haven’t been said (on both sides) that might make a difference, or invite the other person to share their thoughts
When the criterion is not being satisfied at all either:
* generate even more self-disclosure and honesty and continue
* or else ‘retreat’, ‘back off’, ‘bring it to a close’
The more important therelationship, the more inclination to keep going until some resolution is found.
If a decision is made to continue:
* Acknowledge that it hasn't been working
* Repeat intention
* Explore with the other person whether something else needs to happen to allow both to complete it and move on
When it doesn’t seem possible to meet the criterion:
* Look for alternative ways of handling the situation or other things that could be said
* If its really not possible, accept the differences between self and other and move on
All exemplars say such cases are extremely rare. Exemplar 4 identifies a difference between 'wanting to speak but holding back', and'choosingnot to speak', the latter being, for her, equally as responsible as speaking. If it seems impossible she may choose not to speak for now and stay open to a future opportunity. She rarely thinks its going to go away. If she doesn't have the person's spoken or implicit permission to speak, or if it isn't her 'place' to say it she will either let it go or discover who would be more appropriate to say it and support them in doing so.
Emotions
Sustaining Emotion
The sustaining emotion for the ability is‘Resolve’which enables exemplars to stay firm and steadfast in carrying out their purpose. Exemplar 2 also said‘Caring’is present throughout and helps her to keep going. Exemplars experience feelings of discomfort or tension in the chest before communicating: "a big weight in my torso"; "palpitations"; "heavy, like pulling a bucket through water".
'Nervous Excitement/Anticipation'(even rising to"Fear") runs throughout until the Test is satisfied.
Exemplars 1 and 2 also feel"Intentional","Focussed"or"Engaged"during the process.
After saying what needs to be said and satisfying the Test, exemplars describe a feeling of lightness and ease in the chest and breath: "lighthearted"; "a relief"; "positive butterflies"; "a lightning and relaxation of muscles in the chest and a sense of ease".
All feel"Frustration"or even"Anger"when they experience a lot of difficulty in satisfying the criterion.
"Joy"and'Exhileration'are experienced when expectations are positively exceeded. All exemplars feel'Proud'of themselves when they step outside their comfort zones, and this is a motivator for them to engage repeatedly in this Ability.
External Behavior
Exemplars are intently engaged in thinking, speaking and listening closely with another person or people when manifesting this Ability. There is a lot of eye contact, empathetic nodding and smiling, 'open' body language and possibly some touching. The people involved are generally facing each othere, often leaning towards each other.
Contributing Factors
All exemplars said‘Privacy’is generally helpful and sometimes essential. They only involve the people for whom the conversation is relevant. Also important is'Timeto see it through' and Exemplar 1 identified‘Physical Comfort’as an important contributing factor. In some instances preparatory thinking may be useful to clarify what needs saying and the intended benefits.
Significant Elements
Ecological Concerns
Acquisition
It could be important to note, particularly in early uses of this Ability, that the Exemplars may be willing to free-fall because they have a sense of what‘it all’is that there is to say (see Primary Operation).
The'ability to let go of concerns about others’ judgments'(see Enabling Cause/Effect) is a separate ability that facilitates this one and therefore useful to have or to acquire in order to manifest this Ability.
last modified Monday, January 18, 1999 at 11:26:57 (GMT-0500
Sustaining Emotion
The sustaining emotion for the ability is‘Resolve’which enables exemplars to stay firm and steadfast in carrying out their purpose. Exemplar 2 also said‘Caring’is present throughout and helps her to keep going. Exemplars experience feelings of discomfort or tension in the chest before communicating: "a big weight in my torso"; "palpitations"; "heavy, like pulling a bucket through water".
'Nervous Excitement/Anticipation'(even rising to"Fear") runs throughout until the Test is satisfied.
Exemplars 1 and 2 also feel"Intentional","Focussed"or"Engaged"during the process.
After saying what needs to be said and satisfying the Test, exemplars describe a feeling of lightness and ease in the chest and breath: "lighthearted"; "a relief"; "positive butterflies"; "a lightning and relaxation of muscles in the chest and a sense of ease".
All feel"Frustration"or even"Anger"when they experience a lot of difficulty in satisfying the criterion.
"Joy"and'Exhileration'are experienced when expectations are positively exceeded. All exemplars feel'Proud'of themselves when they step outside their comfort zones, and this is a motivator for them to engage repeatedly in this Ability.
External Behavior
Exemplars are intently engaged in thinking, speaking and listening closely with another person or people when manifesting this Ability. There is a lot of eye contact, empathetic nodding and smiling, 'open' body language and possibly some touching. The people involved are generally facing each othere, often leaning towards each other.
Contributing Factors
All exemplars said‘Privacy’is generally helpful and sometimes essential. They only involve the people for whom the conversation is relevant. Also important is'Timeto see it through' and Exemplar 1 identified‘Physical Comfort’as an important contributing factor. In some instances preparatory thinking may be useful to clarify what needs saying and the intended benefits.
Significant Elements
Ecological Concerns
Acquisition
It could be important to note, particularly in early uses of this Ability, that the Exemplars may be willing to free-fall because they have a sense of what‘it all’is that there is to say (see Primary Operation).
The'ability to let go of concerns about others’ judgments'(see Enabling Cause/Effect) is a separate ability that facilitates this one and therefore useful to have or to acquire in order to manifest this Ability.
last modified Monday, January 18, 1999 at 11:26:57 (GMT-0500